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 Shiroi Ookami (Done)

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PostSubject: Shiroi Ookami (Done)   Sun 01 Nov 2009, 9:11 am

Arrancar Template

~!*We all have a persona*!~


Name: Shiroi Ookami

Age: 666

Visual Age: 20 - 30

Gender: Male

Appearance:

Shiroi, like everyone else, has many distinguishing features. The first of these features is that, while he dresses like a gentleman, Shiroi has a powerful build. He is on the taller side, with a squared jaw and strong features on his face. His lips are soft and thin, often either in a straight line or pulled into a half-grin. Shiroi hollow mask fragment is over the right half of his face, disguising half of his face from the world. The mask is a plain white, with a black cross where his eye would be. Over this mask and the other eye, he wears a pair of rimless glasses. Shiroi wears his crimson hair long and straight, the bangs going down to his chin, and the rest going just below his shoulder blades. Shiroi often wears a formal outfit, with a nice shirt, vest, jacket, and tie. These suits are generally in achromatic, or neutral, colors, grays and whites mostly. Shiroi's eyes are a duller version of the burning crimson of his hair, which appears again in both his eyebrows and the thin soul patch found just below his lower lip. Shiroi's torso makes up most of his height, his powerful upper body being intimidating, while it is generally hidden under the layers of his suit. He often wears white gloves over his hands, like a true gentleman, so he won't get his hands dirty. Shiroi is often found with his hands in his suit coat pockets, possibly fiddling with something or just resting there. Shiroi finishes his suit off with a pair of black dress shoes, the kind that shine a bit, and make a clicking noise when he walks on cobblestone.

Personality:
Shiroi is incredibly flippant, mouthing off to even the most powerful of demons, and he generally enjoys rubbing people the wrong way. He does mature as time goes by, but never really loses his attitude. Shiroi is seemingly unflappable, not showing fear whether he's being attacked by the Solciety in Los Noches or being attacked by Vizards. Shiroi can seem at times to be uncaring or even callous, but actually has a very strong sense of justice and prefers to fight fairly, unless his opponents play dirty.

Shiroi is calm, cool, collected and also Shiroi holds an Insane side that not many know about and the people who seen it never lived long to speak of it. Shiroi is shown to have a fondness for reading books. He is quiet and prefers swords over guns, since he considers firearms unworthy of a "true warrior". His quietness is not due to a lack of self confidence however; indeed, he never shows fear over anything.

Unlike most Espadas, Shiroi is willing to embrace his demonic heritage, and seeks to emulate his father's power and cold persona. Shiroi wants more demonic power, regardless of the consequences to those around him. Despite his normal personality of cold dismissal, he does cherish two things: his sword, and the life of his wife. Shiroi seems to reveal some of his feelings by claiming to Rykira: "Might controls everything, and without strength you cannot protect anything, let alone yourself.". This may be a reference to his wife death. It may also imply that Shiroi seeks power as compensation for failing to protect her. His failure may also have made him forsake close human relationships.


~!*That exploits the burdened weight that lay hidden within*!~

Extras, but not mandatory;:

Height: 6'2

Weight: 170

Hair: Red

Eyes: Red

Reiatsu Color: Black and White

Reiatsu Power Level: Elite

Likes: (AT LEAST 5)

Dislikes: (AT LEAST 5 )

Habits/quirks: (3-5 )

Hollow Class:
Vasto Lorde


~!*Just as time halts to a stand-still*!~

History/Background:
Human Life/Death: Shiroi life was perfect, He just got out of College and he was about to get married soon to a women named, Rebecca. Rebecca and him was great friends since there child ark, and grew up to love each other, and now they are going to get married tomorrow. When Tomorrow came and on the wedding there was an attack an hollow attacked there wedding due to Shiroi Strong pressure. Shiroi fault against it but the beast knock him into a brick wall breaking his arm's and neck, but he was still alive. He watched his Wife get murdered and that the day when he lost it all. A few weeks later after the death of his beloved wife. Shiroi died. He died to a car that ran him over, Also since he regretted that day when he failed to protect his wife he turned into a hollow.

Hollow Life: Shiroi still mad about the death of his wife wanted power to grow stronger, So as a hollow e feed off of Hollows kill and eating every hollow in his path gaining more power. He walked the hollow world gain more powers eating other hollows, Tell the day came when he transformed into a wolf, and there he was sent to Hueco Mundo.

Adjuchas: In Hueco Mundo, The wolf continued to eat other Adjuchas, become much more powerful. Shiroi walk alone and killed many that walk in his path, He mostly hated the people that took him as a weak person, because he was a small Adjuchas. Shiroi was pissed and killed them for under estimating him. As he moved up in the ranks in the forest of menos, He gain followers. Other hollows/adjuchas that look up to him. The only Reason why He did kill them was because they didn't stand in his path. One day Shiroi met a man who granted him power, powers that surpasses a Adjuchas, Shiroi excepted and he became hat was known as Half Shinigami, Half Adjuchas. In other words, An Arrancar.

Arrancar: As an arrancar Shiroi was the laziest of them all. He was cocky at time, and also Insane at points, but that depend on the reaction he got from others. Shiroi was always sleeping do so he really was never hated by the other Espadas due to his powers he had and when he woke up, and was in the mood for a battle he would kill with maybe a few marks on him, and sometimes without him even drawing his blade. Soon the Espada stared to notice his strength and started to talk to him. Shiroi still didn't care do he mostly ignored them and kept walking, or he feel asleep while they talk, Sometimes they tried to strike him when he sleep, but thanks to his good senses he can always react faster to an attack then any other Espada would. This day still continues now and Shiroi rest lazily. Waiting for the day to come. A day he doesn't really know about and a day, he plans to figure out.


Role-Play Sample:
Shiroi laugh. " Your still haven’t understand I not even at full power retard. You using all you powers to soon and now that you are getting tired lets have some fun." Shiroi finally drew his blade. Shiroi watch Seph swing once with that he blocked it by gentle moving the sword in front of him. He didn’t loose balance when it hit. He stood still Seph then shunpo and fired a another fire ball shiroi grabbed it with his bare hands. “The same move doesn’t work on me twice I know its basic ability now so it useless.” Shiroi then watch a giant beast rise and he smiled. Seph tried to grab him and she vanished leaving Seph to get hit once again by his own attack. " Idiot move don’t ever try to grab me you think your faster yet I not using full power, Come on kid, your speed and power will never match up to mine, so stop thinking your faster cause your not you just slower, but i wont lie your speed increase just it still not fast enough. Let me show you power, power that you could never reach no matter how hard you train power of a Espada. " Shiroi then stab his sword into the ground and stood on top of it. " Tear your foes, Lobo Blanco." Shiroi said this then a cloud of sand flew over him and covered his whole body and he area around him.

A howl was heard and then a large gust of wind blew showing Shiroi in the middle of it. Shiroi just howled loudly enough to create shockwaves in the air and surrounding area, powerful enough to throw off his opponents, it also knock all the flames in the air to ashes destroying them including the flames around Seph. Shiroi's appearance changed drastically to something more dog-like and predatory. His teeth become jagged and sharp, his hands turn into black claws and his feet become black clawed paws, similar to that of a wolf, along with a thick whip-like tail. His hair becomes very long and flowing, and the markings around his eyes enlarge and extend to the tips of his ears, which become wolf-like. He loses his distinctive jaw mask, which is replaced by a sort of a headgear on his forehead. His clothing changes to become a form-fitting white segmented armor, similar to his original Adjuchas-Hollow form. He has blades protruding from his forearms and his calves. Shiroi smiled and in a blink he was gone and then he reappeared on the side of Seph. Kicking him so hard it would break any normal humans bone in a instant. With that. He fired a large number of explosive "darts" from his elbows with enough charge to demolish huge buildings. They look somewhat similar to an axe blade, but with an indention in the middle. He knew this would kill him for sure there was no way in hell that Seph was going to get up from that and if he did he would be badly ignored to the point where he be fighting just to stand up.

Innate Ability: ((Make later))


~!*The clock starts to move again, and the pendulum resets....Begin*!~


Last edited by Shiroi Ookami on Mon 02 Nov 2009, 3:44 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Shiroi Ookami (Done)   Sun 01 Nov 2009, 11:37 pm

Well well … an arrancar app. Hmm, I think I’ll give a go on critiquing it.

Let’s begin

First., your appearance … while there are no rules prohibiting the usage of an image(OMG Is that Cross Marion?!? XD), there are limitations specifically set out by the webmaster. You need a written description to go with this image, as defined for the template.

Not a major issue, but nonetheless it’s kind of nice to stick by the rules.

Next … your personality:

-“Shiroi is a lazy and unenthusiastic character who apparently spends much of his time asleep and which no one, except Selle, appears to try and stop him from doing. In fact, he rarely directly addresses any person other than Selle, his other half. Despite being the highest-ranking Espada, he is not eager to take a leadership role, shown when he easily allows Senju to take over at the battle eith the Shinigami. He is not particularly interested in whatever is going on around him, although he is surprisingly observant and a capable analyst. Unlike many of the Espadas, he is not violent or overly arrogant. “-

I spy a mass rip-off of Starrk. Then again, who am I to judge?(Seriously though, it’s wee bit too close to the character). The primary problem I have with this portion is your referring to yourself as the ‘Primera’. A) You are not making use of the past tense, thus one would assume you are the present Primera and B) You are not the Primera, Alejandro is and, by his application, has been.

-“He initially does not seem to care a great deal for his fellows, showing no visible signs of distress or concern. When he learns of his father death, he lazily states there is nothing he could do about it, and when his fraccion are apparently overwhelmed by their opponents' Bankai, he only asks one of the Shinigami are all the Sinigami Bankia so powerful. However, this indifferent attitude seems to be dispell at times, turning him into a insane being. “-

I’m starting to get bored of this app … There are just too many similarities between this character and Starrk. The ending line to this portion is also rather cliché, trite, and just way to damn commonplace amongst arrancar apps that I have seen.

-“In comparison to the other, more serious Espadas, however, Shiroi is often shown in a much more comical light, with situations often ending in him on the receiving end of physical abuse from his partner Selle, even though he does little to stop her actions. He can be serious on occasion, although his personality does not change much; he comes off as reluctant, but nonetheless willing to complete the task at hand. Such is the case when he was ordered to go to the world of the living, despite saying he abhors such a strategy. He is fairly similar to Senju and Selle in personality, something Shiroi himself acknowledges.”-

I, yet again, feel like I’m reading the Bleach Wiki article about Starrk … you’ll need to make some thorough revisions, kind sir.

-“Shiroi is incredibly flippant, mouthing off to even the most powerful of demons, and he generally enjoys rubbing people the wrong way. He does mature as time goes by, but never really loses his attitude. Shiroi is seemingly unflappable, not showing fear whether he's being attacked by the Solciety in Los Noches or being attacked by Vizards. Shiroi can seem at times to be uncaring or even callous, but actually has a very strong sense of justice and prefers to fight fairly, unless his opponents play dirty.”-

The misspelling of ‘soul society’ is a rather interesting, was that intentional? Is that a society of light(or perhaps sun?) Yet again, I do not see a clearly defined … ORIGINAL creation. This looks like a paraphrased description of Starrk’s personality, with some minor changes here and there to accommodate the character … I duly apologize if that is not the case, but I seem to find it so.

Verdict on Personality: Overhaul is necessary before approval.


Eyes: Red/Turns Yellow when in Ressurection
Leave out descriptions of your appearance while is release state … those are supposed to go in your Res. application.

Hollow Class:
Espada If I am good enough to be one, If not I'll stick wih Arrancar.


First, you were supposed to have designated whether or not you achieved Menos status. And if you did, you were to specify what type of Menos. That is why this portion is called ‘HOLLOW CLASS’.

Second, The Primera(Alejandro) will select Espada. So, if you really want a position please remember to PM/speak to him later.

SO um … Word tells me that your history is 510 words …

I’ll be perfectly honest. I stopped after the first paragraph.

You REALLY need to proofread your writings and try to at correct a majority of your mistakes. Such as, missing predicates, misspelled words(cocky spelled as coky, etc.) incorrect tense, awkward word choice, accidental capitalization.

Proof-reading and correcting it will also increase the clarity of the writing, and thus making it easier to read and comprehend.

I really see not too many problems with the meat of the of paragraphs, except that they may be slightly bland, all in all. (It’s just my opinion) But your history seems a bit … generic?

These same problems apply to your RP sample. I had difficulty reading it and just gave up after the first 4 lines. Please, please, please … PLEASE proof-read and edit. Also, try to make use of proper punctuation and also the bbc coding so that it is easier to distinguish dialogues from narrative from thought.

And finally, your innate ability … No, no no. And no.

I’m not even SURE that IS an ability. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t look like anything remotely close to an ability. It looks more like a random technique(at least the second sentence does)>

You seem to be combining two different things as one ability … which is rather far-fetched to accept. And what do you mean by ‘jump his reiatsu up’? and using it as a shield … to block a bankai level attack!? No, just … no. Re-write this, I beg of you.


All in all, this sheet is NOT open for approval due to massive spelling and grammatical errors, several moments of near-incoherent rambling, improper description of an ability, and possible plagiarism of one of Tite Kubo’s character.
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PostSubject: Re: Shiroi Ookami (Done)   Mon 02 Nov 2009, 3:49 am

Ok. It been fix.
O and I don't steal stuff from other characters get that out your head if he had it I apologize I didn't read his app.
Two not everyone is perfect so back off my grammar and spelling.
Three I realy find it hard to believe you have the right to talk. I seen your app and so far it looks like a 10 year old made it.
Four I like another Admin/Moderator to look over my app because I don't like the BS this kid giving me.
Five, I apologize for my rude comments. It was child like of me and I try not to do it again....
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PostSubject: Re: Shiroi Ookami (Done)   Mon 02 Nov 2009, 7:40 am

One, Starrk is the Primera from the actual Bleach series, whose creator is Tite Kubo. O.o;; I don't quite understand that statement you're trying to make there.

However, you have edited the personality thoroughly and I am willing to offer my approval.

Two, I am not aiming for perfection nor forcing anyone to confine themselves into the parameters of such ... and I am well aware that such a thing as perfection is nigh impossible to achieve for anything. But prior to your edit, your history and sample were just riddled with a mite bit too many errors that I(albeit in a sarcastic manner for which I sincerely apologize for) requested you to edit it so as to make it easier to read.

I mean, a few mistakes here and there I wouldn't complain about ... but nearly every sentence in your history(prior to the edit) contained multiple errors. However, you've cleaned it up very well, now.

Three, I have to the right to talk, bestowed by the Head Admin. Also, my application is unfinished, as I merely posted it so as to save it before I had my hard drive wiped clean, thus it's not even remotely close to the final product. Please don't reference that as an argument towards my 'inability' to judge your sheet.

Four, ... well I apologize for my half-baked sarcastic mannerism. No seriously, I wasn't all sugar and sunshine when I had written my opinion of your sheet(mostly due to my irregular sleeping habits >.>;; ). But now with the revisions all made, I due believe your sheet is quite nice.

(As one who's made innate abilities later on and seen others do that, I hold no complaint to your 'adding on' of your innate ability at a later time.)

There is only one slight matter, an admin's approval will be needed in making your character a 'Vasto Lorde'. Jubei specifically put that in the template ... so uh, we'll just need an admin to give the ok on that.

But beyond that small matter, I see to it that this revised sheet deserves an
APPROVED.
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Number of posts : 330
Registration date : 2009-03-04

Character sheet
Name: Shishigami Jubei
Race: Arrancar.
Ranking: Decima/Cero Espada.

PostSubject: Re: Shiroi Ookami (Done)   Mon 02 Nov 2009, 9:05 am

Note: In order to be a Vasto Lorde, you will need to contact Alejandro and get his permission.

_________________
Pre-Release:
Cero User
Weak Hierro
Sonido User
Strongest Resureccion

Post Release:
Cero Master
Strongest Hierro
Sonido Master (Varies on your transformation)
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